|On the first day of Christmas
||[Dec. 26th, 2010|01:47 pm]
Twelve Days of Christmas Challenge!
my true love sent to me
One long ocean voyage
[Fandom] Battle Royale (manga); AU in who survived the Program
[Notes/Summary] It's Kayoko's role to make other people happy, even after all that's gone on.
Kayoko's been on boats before, but that was just trips out into the bay with lots of other tourists, and, once, an afternoon sailing with her dad.
But she's not going to think about Dad.
This is completely different. The ship is huge and everything seems built to a massive scale - okay, a shrimp like her would think that, but even Sugimura and Kawada seem smaller when they're surrounded by all this metal and the wide empty grey sea. Kayoko's kind of glad the ship's so big though, because it feels like a house around her. If they were crossing the Pacific on a tiny boat, it would feel like that was all she had left in the world and then she'd probably spend all her time crying.
As it is, she tries to limit the crying to times when no one else is around. Kawada and Nanahara don't cry at all - well, Kawada wouldn't, would he, Kawada looks like he doesn't even know what crying is - and sometimes Noriko tears up but she always rubs her eyes and apologises like she has just sneezed or something. Most of the time, all three of them are silent and cold and watchful. Kayoko figures they must've seen a lot more than her, back on the island. She didn't see anything bad except when Sugimura - and then, Kiriyama - showed up. When she thinks of that bit there's an odd ringing in her ears and a funny taste in her mouth but she doesn't think of it too much. And even when she does, it doesn't usually make her cry. It's things like realising she'll never see Mum again that make her cry, and when she thinks about that it hurts so much, more than she'd ever realised a thought could, like someone's stuck an axe in her chest. So it's not like she enjoys thinking about it, but sometimes she wants to test herself, check that she still cares. Usually she does it when she's on her own, tucked into a corner between two crates, burying her face in her knees and leaving tearstains on her too-big jeans. On occasion she hasn't been able to help it and cried when she's with Sugimura, but she tries not to do that because it makes him sad too and she figures, being the goofy short girl who saw pretty much nothing bad at all, her role is to make other people happy, not bring them down. Heck, at least doing that makes her happy.
It's good the ship's so big because then if you do want to have a cry you can hide somewhere really easily, but it's also good because it's weird, and the weird sometimes makes everything a little bit better. Okay, it's horrible and scary and she's never going to see home again not ever, but sometimes it's like she wakes up afresh and she's all like wait, what am I doing on a random boat in the middle of the Pacific just hanging out with Kawada (who is like one of the scariest people she's ever met, except for Kiriyama of course, and that creep Kamon) and Nanahara (who's like one of the best-looking guys in school but probably didn't say more'n two words to her in the three years they've been in class together) and Noriko (who's really nice but, like all the other nice girls, is someone Kayoko always felt weird around because Noriko's mum and dad lived together and weren't married to other people and didn't run a bar) and Hiroki Sugimura?
Who, you know, likes her.
The two of them wrap up in separate blankets but it's cold enough that they usually end up snuggled against each other. Nanahara and Noriko are always hugging and leaning against each other and stuff, but Sugimura gets awkward about it. Well. Not always. Sometimes one or both of them are feeling horrible and then they hold onto each other and Kayoko doesn't think about the love stuff at all then. And sometimes they've kissed. He doesn't want her to think he's a pervert or whatever so it's nearly always her who's all hey, want to do some kissing? and even though he obviously likes kissing her, he doesn't keep trying to take it further, cop a feel or anything - or when he does, it's 'cause she's already, like, moved in really close and is snuggling at him. You probably shouldn't call it snuggling but all the girls who would've laughed at her for doing so are dead now.
Wasn't gonna think about dead people. Was gonna think about kissing Sugimura. She's supposes they're kind of living together right now, which is more than her mum and dad ever did. And Sugimura's always been one of the best-looking guys around (and if all the other girls who'd agree with her are dead, so what, that doesn't stop it being true) and everything is so cold and sad right now she could easily spend, like, all day kissing and stuff, when she's kissing then all the sad things seem further away. And it's not a home, but they have a patch of floor where they usually sleep, and she knows he hates the smell of coffee so she drinks it when he's gone to wash up, and they always end up making out by this one red crate with the number 11 on it, which makes her smile because that was Sugimura's class number. Stuff like that makes her feel a bit less horrible about all the home and parents and dead people stuff. And makes her feel like they can just go on like this when they get to America, they'll find a place to live and a warm room and she'll drink coffee downstairs and then make him some tea.
But sometimes she feels like, instead, they are just doing this because they're the same now and different from everyone else, that no one else will ever get it, and that while it's just the two of them on a massive ship then that's all they need. But soon they'll get to America, a real place with normal people, and they'll have to be normal again, and she worries what if that means no more kissing because the kissing isn't part of normal - never has been, not since Sugimura killed Kiriyama right in front of her. But she doesn't try explaining any of this. She's trying to stay happy, after all.